Raves & Faves

Written by Georgia Wednesday, 24 March 2010 19:00

I am easily obsessed. Just ask Bonnie. With TV shows, with actresses, with certain scenes. I become a teenager again, totally preoccupied, doing research, daydreaming, and watching the same thing over and over and over.

It’s been a while, but I’m obsessed again. This time it’s a movie (or a DVD). Bitch Slap. Yeah, catchy title, isn’t it? I’ve been waiting to see it since I first read about it in 2008. I’m not entirely certain what kind of release issues they got caught up in, but it’s finally out on DVD. And thank god because there are parts that need to be rewound and watched again. And again. And again.

Before I go any further, let me make a clarification: this movie is not for everybody. It’s violent. It’s campy. It’s so bad it’s good (which is the intention). Bonnie hated it (causing me endless disappointment). My favorite cousin didn’t like it and her girlfriend thought it was “sooooo stupid.” My 23-year-old sister, however, loved it, has watched it more than once, and wants to come over so she and I can have a Bitch Slap night and view it together. She is now my very favorite family member.

What you have to understand going in is that it’s an homage to the B movies and exploitation films of the 70s. It is to be watched with tongue planted firmly in cheek. There are tits and ass everywhere, often in slow motion. The green screen backgrounds are cheesy. The dialogue is often silly. The blood is mostly Tarantino-cartoonish. The key to the film is that these things are all done intentionally. The writers wrote it that way on purpose. The three lead actresses are all in on the joke, so to speak, and that makes it so much more fun to watch. They look like they’re having a blast with the whole thing. They’re sweaty, dirty, bloody and hot (in more ways than one). And I loved it.

Here’s the cool thing: the women are totally in charge of this film. There are three of them: Hel, the cool-headed businesswoman and brains of the whole operation (played by My Fantasy Girlfriend Erin Cummings, whom I predict I’ll see a lot more of in the future…and not just in my dreams); Camero, the over-the-top, foul-mouthed, pill-popping ex-con (played by America Olivo, who has the most amazing breasts I’ve ever seen); and Trixie, the down-on-her-luck stripper (played by Julia Voth, who is beyond gorgeous and who is quite impressive in her very first film role). The basic plot is this: the trio is headed to the California desert in search of $200 million in diamonds stolen from a ruthless kingpin and hidden…somewhere. During the course of the movie, loyalties will shift, secrets will be revealed in flashbacks, hundreds of punches will be thrown, blood will be shed, and a seriously hot lesbian make-out session will occur (my DVD is warping in that spot, I’m sure of it). As I said, the women have all the power here. There’s an incredible fight scene and can I just say that as a lesbian who also occasionally wears dresses, heels, and makeup, it’s way cool to see a woman who can rock a business suit and girly shoes and still throw a believable punch? Yet another reason I am in love with My Fantasy Girlfriend Erin Cummings. She’s hot AND she could probably kick my ass.

Xena fans should rejoice: one of the best scenes in Bitch Slap takes place in a church with Lucy Lawless and Renee O’Connor—aka, Xena and Gabrielle—as nuns (of course). Kevin Sorbo and Michael Hurst (aka: Hercules and Iaolus) have cameos. Zoe Bell (Lucy’s stunt double in Xena) is the stunt coordinator and choreographs the amazingly awesome best girl fight in cinema history. And writers/directors/producers Rick Jacobson and Eric Gruendemann were fixtures on the Xena set. So that should give you an idea of the camp value.

Did I mention the sex scene? Give me a second to fan myself here…. It’s really more of a heavy make-out session. There’s a line it doesn’t cross and all the clothes stay on, but damn, it is incredibly hot and incredibly realistic. In the commentary, My Fantasy Girlfriend Erin Cummings and Julia Voth talk about how they studied episodes of The L Word, did research, and “practiced” (!) in order to make sure it was believable. I read an interview with My Fantasty Girlfriend Erin Cummings and she said their goal was for straight men to see the scene and think, “Oh, yeah, that’s hot. I’d like to be in the middle of that” and for lesbians to see the scene and think, “Oh, yeah, that’s hot. I’d like to be in the middle of that.” Well, they succeeded with flying colors as far as I’m concerned. It’s the hottest lesbian make-out session I’ve seen in a long, long time. They don’t look like they’re uncomfortable kissing each other (my big complaint in most lesbian love scenes), they fit very nicely together, and I’ve found them very inspiring as far as my writing goes. Plus, they’re hot (did I say that already?). What more could I ask for?

I think this film is rather polarizing in that people will either love it or hate it. I have yet to come across somebody who said, “Meh…it was okay.” You either find it incredibly awesome, as I did, or incredibly tedious, as Bonnie did. It’s full of crazy-cool, cheesy lines of dialogue, things like:

“Lube my boob, skank twat!”

“Oh my god…you’re a wicked cool covert operative masquerading as a sex toy tycoon?!”

“I’m out there sweating my ass off and you’re in here bashing gash?”

“Ram this in your clambake, bitchcakes!”

See what I mean? Completely cheesy. And totally awesome. Check out the trailer:

WATCH THE TRAILER